BOB STILL FILLS THE BILL
By Saralee Perel

[ See this column with photos of Bob and Grant: http://www.mikeysfunnies.com/archive/20110325/ ]

When Grant, one of our pet ducks, was limping, I made an appointment with a veterinarian.

My husband, Bob, and I got her and 3 other ducklings at a county fair.

The average life span for a Khaki Campbell (Grant's breed) is 7 years. Our trip to the fair was 21 years ago. I think I know the reason she has lived this long.

Over the phone, the veterinarian's secretary, Carol, said, "What is your duck's name?"

"Grant." For some reason I started giggling. I felt rude so I covered up my laughing by saying something I thought was funny, "When we bring her in, just give her the command, 'Grant. Sit.'" Then I blurted out, "She'll be a sitting duck," which put me into massive hysterics.

Carol sighed. "Her color?"

"Her color? Don't you think you'll know which one in your waiting room is a duck?"

"Her color," she repeated.

"Brown." I figured it would not be a brilliant idea to say, "Put the charges on her bill," so instead I said, "She does have her down sides, so to speak."

Carol asked, "What is Grant's problem?"

"She's limping." I had no choice but to add: "She's a lame duck."

Fortunately the veterinarian had a sense of humor. When I said something about ducking his questions, he shot back, "That quacks me up."

It turned out that Grant had arthritis, which was treatable.

When we adopted the ducklings, I was an anxious new mother. I bought a baby monitor for their coop. I kept the receiver by our bed.

I'd frequently wake my poor husband by saying, "Is that a normal quack or a 'come quick' quack?" (Try repeating those last 3 words 4 times very quickly.)

One duck's name was Dawn. "Is that the quack of Dawn?" was not funny after the 400th time I repeated it.

Once I heard a real baby on our monitor. Freaking out, I woke Bob - again. He said, "We pick up neighborhood sounds if monitors are on the same frequency as ours. And people can hear sounds coming from our monitor."

"Bob, mothers will think their babies are quacking!"

Now, at age 21, Grant is still a happy duck. She has her own little pond and a cozy coop. But the best thing she has is Bob.

Since she still has arthritis, Bob adds calcium to her food.

Since she's blind, Bob has made her play area completely flat.

Since she gets cold at night, Bob put an electric heat lamp above where she sleeps.

I believe Grant has lived this long because of the love in Bob's heart. Taking good care of his brood is not something he "tries" to do. It is the embodiment of who he is.

When death has stolen a beloved pet, he feels crushing heartache.

He still mourns our first dog who died 20 years ago. On the way to her final trip to the vet, he stopped at her favorite beach so that she could be at the place she loved the most, one last time. He carried her from the car to the sand and let her eat her first McDonald's hamburger.

He has never gone to that beach again.

Yesterday he said, "When I refill Grant's pond with fresh water and see her splashing around so happily, it's the best part of my day."

And when I see the joy on Bob's face as he watches her swim, it's the best part of mine.

Award-winning columnist, Saralee Perel, can be reached at sperel@saraleeperel.com or via her website: www.saraleeperel.com/ She also welcomes friends on Facebook: www.facebook.com/SaraleePerel/

AFTER A FEW OF THE USUAL SUNDAY EVENING HYMNS,

THE CHURCH'S PASTOR SLOWLY STOOD UP,

WALKED OVER TO THE PULPIT AND,
BEFORE HE GAVE HIS SERMON FOR THE EVENING,

HE BRIEFLY INTRODUCED A GUEST MINISTER

WHO WAS IN THE SERVICE THAT EVENING.

IN THE INTRODUCTION, THE PASTOR TOLD THE

CONGREGATION THAT THE GUEST MINISTER WAS

ONE OF HIS DEAREST CHILDHOOD FRIENDS AND

THAT HE WANTED HIM TO HAVE A FEW MOMENTS

TO GREET THE CHURCH AND SHARE WHATEVER

HE FELT WOULD BE APPROPRIATE FOR THE SERVICE.
WITH THAT, AN ELDERLY MAN STEPPED UP TO THE

PULPIT AND BEGAN TO SPEAK.
'A FATHER, HIS SON, AND A FRIEND OF HIS SON WERE

SAILING OFF THE PACIFIC COAST ,' HE BEGAN.

'WHEN A FAST APPROACHING STORM BLOCKED ANY

ATTEMPT TO GET BACK TO THE SHORE.
THE WAVES WERE SO HIGH, THAT EVEN THOUGH THE

FATHER WAS AN EXPERIENCED SAILOR, HE COULD NOT

KEEP THE BOAT UPRIGHT AND THE THREE WERE SWEPT

INTO THE OCEAN AS THE BOAT CAPSIZED.'
THE OLD MAN HESITATED FOR A MOMENT,

MAKING EYE CONTACT WITH TWO TEENAGERS WHO WERE,

FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE THE SERVICE BEGAN,

LOOKING SOMEWHAT INTERESTED IN HIS STORY.

THE AGED MINISTER CONTINUED WITH HIS STORY,

'GRABBING A RESCUE LINE, THE FATHER HAD TO MAKE THE

MOST EXCRUCIATING DECISION OF HIS LIFE: TO WHICH BOY

WOULD HE THROW THE OTHER END OF THE LIFE LINE.

HE ONLY HAD SECONDS TO MAKE THE DECISION.

THE FATHER KNEW THAT HIS SON WAS A CHRISTIAN AND

HE, ALSO, KNEW THAT HIS SON'S FRIEND WAS NOT.

THE AGONY OF HIS DECISION COULD NOT BE MATCHED BY

THE TORRENT OF WAVES.
AS THE FATHER YELLED OUT, 'I LOVE YOU, SON!'

HE THREW OUT THE LIFE LINE TO HIS SON'S FRIEND.

BY THE TIME THE FATHER HAD PULLED THE FRIEND BACK

TO THE CAPSIZED BOAT, HIS SON HAD DISAPPEARED BENEATH

THE RAGING SWELLS INTO THE BLACK OF NIGHT.

HIS BODY WAS NEVER RECOVERED.

BY THIS TIME, THE TWO TEENAGERS WERE SITTING UP

STRAIGHT IN THE PEW, ANXIOUSLY WAITING FOR THE NEXT

WORDS TO COME OUT OF THE OLD MINISTER'S MOUTH.
'THE FATHER,' HE CONTINUED, 'KNEW HIS SON WOULD
STEP INTO ETERNITY WITH JESUS AND HE COULD NOT
BEAR THE THOUGHT OF HIS SON'S FRIEND STEPPING INTO

AN ETERNITY WITHOUT JESUS.. THEREFORE, HE SACRIFICED

HIS SON TO SAVE THE SON'S FRIEND. '
HOW GREAT IS THE LOVE OF GOD THAT HE SHOULD DO THE

SAME FOR US. OUR HEAVENLY FATHER SACRIFICED HIS ONLY
BEGOTTEN SON THAT WE COULD BE SAVED. I URGE YOU TO

ACCEPT HIS OFFER TO RESCUE YOU AND TAKE HOLD OF THE

LIFE LINE HE IS THROWING OUT TO YOU IN THIS SERVICE.'

WITH THAT, THE OLD MAN TURNED AND SAT BACK DOWN IN

HIS CHAIR AS SILENCE FILLED THE ROOM.

THE PASTOR AGAIN WALKED SLOWLY TO THE PULPIT AND

DELIVERED A BRIEF SERMON WITH AN INVITATION AT THE

END. HOWEVER, NO ONE RESPONDED TO THE APPEAL.

WITHIN MINUTES AFTER THE SERVICE ENDED, THE TWO

TEENAGERS WERE AT THE OLD MAN'S SIDE.

'THAT WAS A NICE STORY,' POLITELY STATED ONE OF

THEM,'BUT I DON'T THINK IT WAS VERY REALISTIC FOR A

FATHER TO GIVE UP HIS ONLY SON'S LIFE IN HOPES THAT
THE OTHER BOY WOULD BECOME A CHRISTIAN.'

'WELL, YOU'VE GOT A POINT THERE,' THE OLD MAN REPLIED, GLANCING DOWN AT HIS WORN BIBLE. A BIG SMILE BROADENED

HIS NARROW FACE. HE ONCE AGAIN LOOKED UP AT THE BOYS

AND SAID, 'IT SURE ISN'T VERY REALISTIC, IS IT? BUT,

I'M STANDING HERE TODAY TO TELL YOU THAT STORY GIVES

ME A GLIMPSE OF WHAT IT MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE FOR GOD

TO GIVE UP HIS SON FOR ME.
YOU SEE.
I WAS THAT FATHER AND YOUR PASTOR IS MY SON'S FRIEND.'

ILLEGAL ALIEN HAS ILLEGITIMATE BIRTH - BABY EXPECTED TO BE CHARGED WITH TREASON

BETHLEHEM -- It was rumored today that an unmarried couple from Nazareth stopped for the use of a manger owned by Alfredo Pinchi, a notorious local slumlord, and a baby was born.

"There was no running water, and the place was filled with straw," commented local public health authorities. "We even found a donkey inside."

"The mother gave birth under extremely questionable circumstances," offered Pontius Pilate, Judean candidate for District Attorney. "She claims to have been a virgin."

Unconfirmed reports indicate that Roman authorities are investigating the baby on charges of sedition and treason. "There are a bunch of people running around alleging that the baby is the son of God," explained Pilate, "and that he will have some radical ideas about religion in the future."

Three Kings from the Orient were caught on the outskirts of Bethlehem by the Roman Border Patrol carrying illegal contraband. "We caught them red-handed with frankincense and myrrh," explained an official with the Border Patrol. "And they didn't have any papers." The Kings were promptly arrested and deported to Syria.

At virtually the same time as the baby was born, a bright star was sighted over Bethlehem. "This is an omen that things are about to radically change in the Empire due to global warming," the Director of the Environmental Protection Agency commented.

It was a busy
morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's arrived to have
stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an
appointment at 9:00 am.
I took his vital
signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone
would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I
was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was
well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to
remove his sutures and redress his wound.

While taking care of
his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as
he was in such a hurry.

The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to
the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her
health.

He told me that she had been there
for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease.

As we
talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late.

He
replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in
five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him, 'And you still go every
morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?'

He smiled as he
patted my hand and said,

'She doesn't
know me, but I still know who she is.'

New Pledge of Allegiance ?

WRITTEN BY A 15 yr. Old SCHOOL KID IN ARIZONA :

Since the Pledge of Allegiance
and The Lord's Prayer
Are not allowed in most
Public schools anymore
Because the word 'God' is mentioned.....
A kid in Arizona wrote the attached

NEW School prayer:

Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.


If scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.


Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene..
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.


For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all..
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.


We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks...
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.

We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's 'inappropriate' to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such 'judgments' do not belong...


We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles..
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.


It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Amen

sky diving

A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute. So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens.

"No problem," he says to himself, "I still have my emergency chute." So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens. Now the man begins to panic.

"What am I going to do?" he thinks, "I'm a goner..."

Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can't figure out where this man is coming from, or what he's doing, but he thinks to himself, "Maybe he can help me. If he can't, then I'm done for."

When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down, "Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?"

The other man replies, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard, and asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"

The father was taken aback, but he decided that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to explain everything about the birds and the bees.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was just looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Could you tell me why you asked me about that?"

The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]